Effects of Procrastination on Relationships (How to Deal with a Procrastinator?)
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Are you currently living with a procrastinator, or are you yourself a procrastinator in a relationship?
Even though most relationships can be affected by procrastination at some point, chronic procrastination can be a serious relationship killer.
If your partner is the procrastinator and they keep delaying important tasks or breaking their promises, this can make you feel frustrated and helpless.
If you are the procrastinator, you may be aware of how your behavior is affecting the relationship. You are struggling not only with your own negative habits but also with the stress and strain these habits put on your marriage.
In this article, we’ll uncover the effects of procrastination on relationships and provide some solutions for both the procrastinator and the partner, to overcome the maladaptive cycle of procrastination before it can cause irreversible damage.
Table of Contents
Three Effects of Procrastination on Relationships
We’ve all heard complaints like “my boyfriend procrastinates too much” or questions like “how to deal with a procrastinator?””
Procrastination can affect relationships in so many ways, from postponing simple chores, like paying the bills or cleaning the clutter, to breaking promises and missing important family events and deadlines. This set of behaviors hurts both partners and, in some cases, the whole family, including kids and extended family.
So, what are exactly the negative effects of procrastination?
1. Loss of Trust:
Relationships are based on trust. Being unreliable, not keeping your promises, and missing important events and deadlines will hurt the credibility of the person in the eyes of their family.
This unpredictability may cause the partner, and even children and other relatives, to stop trusting the procrastinator. And once trust is gone, it is hard to earn it back.
This loss of trust can seriously put the entire relationship at risk. Even though the procrastinator may be a very caring person, their partner may find it difficult to trust them again and may even question the future of the relationship.
2. Loss of Partnership Spirit
Successful relationships are based on partnership, where each partner is aware of their responsibilities and puts in the necessary effort to make the relationship work.
But when one partner is a chronic procrastinator, it’s usually the other partner’s job to take care of the house, remember deadlines, juggle to-do lists, and generally make the relationship work, while the procrastinating partner watches helplessly.
This is obviously not part of a successful partnership, and the situation is emotionally taxing for the other partner.
A solid relationship is based on teamwork, as each partner should feel that their significant other is reliable, devoted, and willing to put in the effort. If one partner does all the work, this can trigger resentment and anger in the relationship.
3. Increased Tension and Conflicts
The loss of trust and the unbalance in the responsibilities often cause resentment to grow, arguments to arise, and one or both of you may feel driven to lie or cheat out of frustration.
The partner may feel overwhelmed and frustrated by the inactivity of the other and may start to lash out, blame, and nag at them.
In turn, the procrastinator, who is already stressed out by their own behavior, may also feel degraded by their partner. That dynamic creates a loop of negative feelings, resulting in more procrastination. This can create an emotional barrier between couples, resulting in tension and conflict in the relationship.
This dynamic can put the entire relationship at risk of implosion, as the trust and spirit of partnership continue to erode and tension and conflicts continue to grow.
How to Deal with a Procrastinator (Advice for Partners)
We’ll go through 2 do’s and 2 don’ts when dealing with a procrastinating partner.
Stop Shaming
Oftentimes, procrastinators have to deal with their own emotional struggles to get things done, as well as their commitment and responsibilities toward their partner.
Shaming or using hurtful words will not get the procrastinator motivated to accomplish their responsibilities. It only makes them feel worse about themselves and even less motivated to change their behavior.
This approach is unproductive, especially in the long run, as most procrastinators already experience negativity and poor emotional self-regulation related to their negative habits and behaviors, so adding another layer of negativity will only make things worse.
Check out our article : Procrastination and Emotional Regulation: An In-depth Exploration of Their Connection
Stop Nagging
If you keep reminding and nagging your partner about what they should do, it will only irritate them and make them feel like they are being pushed around.
Telling them what to do over and over again can be perceived as being pushy and bossy.
Your partner may feel put down by you. This will usually create friction in the relationship and even push your partner to procrastinate even more as a way to even the score or gain control in the relationship.
So, constantly asking your partner if they have started a house chore you told them about is not a good long-term strategy and doesn’t make them more likely to change their behavior.
Make a To-Do List
Establish a daily and weekly list of what needs to be done. It’s important for you and your partner to be realistic about the amount of time to be allotted for each task. You should also write next to each task who is in charge of doing it.
It can be a good idea to engage the kids in some of the tasks on that list and keep them involved in the house chores.
Put this list on the fridge or any other place where it is easily accessible and visible to the whole family. That gives you both access to the list, which keeps everyone accountable.
So, instead of constantly reminding your partner of a chore and nagging them about what they haven’t done yet, you can agree on a time to review the to-do list together.
So, if you point out the tasks that haven’t been done, you won’t be nagging; you’ll just be stating facts.
Give Positive Feedback
Procrastinators usually react better to positive reinforcements than negative ones. That’s why criticism and negative feedback often exacerbate their tendency to procrastinate.
Use positive feedback to gently push them in a more productive direction. You should learn to provide feedback in a positive way.
For instance, when tasks are done, let them know how grateful you are. Say, “I know that’s not what you wanted to do, but I really appreciate your help”.
How to Deal with Your Own Procrastination (Advice for the Procrastinator)
We have more tips for the procrastinator to help deal with their own maladaptive habits and create a family dynamic suitable for change.
1. Stop Making Excuses:
“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
You feel stuck in a cycle, and you may start to make excuses. You begin to give your partner various explanations for why you don’t complete important tasks or meet your commitments.
You might blame others, like your partner, for why you keep putting things off.
Putting the blame somewhere else is not a sustainable strategy; you’ll end up losing respect and credibility with your family and close friends.
Once you accept that we have a problem putting things off, you can start to find better ways to deal with your behavior and find solutions for the sake of the entire relationship.
You can also discuss your concerns openly with your partner.Let them know what’s been bothering you, and ask for their help finding solutions. It can be helpful to have an open dialog about your issues so that both of you can improve things as a team.
2. Recognize How Procrastination Is Affecting Your Relationship
Chronic procrastination often affects all areas of your life. But for now, you may want to consider how this behavior is affecting your relationship.
Ask yourself : How is this behavior affecting me, my partner, and the entire family?
Write down all the negative effects of procrastination on a list and go over them; read them out loud. This will give you better insight into the impact of your habits on your family.
There is something peculiar about writing things down and reading them out loud that makes us more aware of them. When you write down a problem instead of just thinking about it, your brain tends to process it in a different way.
You will notice your procrastination is making you and your loved ones miserable by letting negative habits run your life.
Ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”
This may be the first step that brings insight and motivation to jumpstart the process of change.
3. Determine What Is Causing Your Procrastination:
Procrastination is a very complicated problem, and it’s usually hard to figure out why you keep putting off your responsibilities.
You need to first ask yourself a set of questions:
- What is causing me to constantly delay important tasks?
- Is it the result of a mental health issue—depression, anxiety, ADHD?
- Do I procrastinate when I feel overwhelmed by certain tasks or in certain situations?
- Do I have a fear of failure?
- Do I tend to have a perfectionistic mindset that blocks me and causes “perfection paralysis”?
- Does my procrastination stem from my frustration over the relationship? Is it a reaction to the family dynamic or to my partner’s attitude?
These questions can sometimes give you insight into your problems and point you in the right direction.
4. Use These Helpful Tips to Overcome Your Procrastination:
- Divide Tasks into smaller chunks: dividing your tasks and chores into smaller, manageable pieces helps you avoid feeling overwhelmed and allows you to take small steps toward your goals.
- Use the Pomodoro technique: which consists of working for a time interval of 25 minutes followed by 5 minutes of rest. More on this highly effective technique can be found in this article.
- Set a deadline, but keep it realistic: setting a deadline will help you hold yourself accountable for what you need to do in a specific time frame. But be realistic about your expectations when assessing how long you can accomplish the task.
- Track your progress: tracking your progress helps you stay motivated and keep an eye on your plans and goals.
- Reward yourself: when you accomplish a task or a project, reward yourself (with a cookie, a movie, or an evening with friends).
5. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes procrastination becomes so pervasive and disruptive to the family that it could be helpful to seek professional help from a therapist who can help the whole family deal with the issue, and may help identify signs of deeper personality problems or maladaptive family dynamics.
The root cause could be undiagnosed depression or ADHD, which causes people to lose motivation or be less focused.
Couple therapy might help you and your partner figure out bad patterns that neither of you can see on your own.
If you are hesitant to go to a counselor for an in-person session, specialized online therapy is available for relationship counselling, such as Talk Space, considered one of the leading online therapy platforms, covering a broad range of mental health services.
Key Takeaways:
- Procrastination affects relationships in so many ways and can put the unity of the family at risk.
- Procrastination can cause a loss of trust and an unbalanced distribution of duties in the relationship, which can cause growing tensions and conflicts.
- One way of dealing with a procrastinator is to avoid shaming and nagging, which may create negativity in the couple and deter the procrastinator from changing their behavior; instead, use a to-do list to make them accountable and provide positive feedback when things get done.
- The procrastinator should stop making excuses, be honest about their negative habits, and gain awareness of their effects on the relationship. Simple techniques can go a long way, like having a to-do list, setting deadlines, and dividing big tasks into more manageable chunks.
- Sometimes, professional help or couple therapy is needed to address certain issues in the relationship.
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About the author
My name is Sam David. I am the founder of "Proactivity Lab," a website that provides comprehensive strategies and resources for understanding and overcoming procrastination.
The website's resources are the culmination of more than 20 years of research and experience, during which I embarked on a long and gruelling journey of study and self-discovery.
Being a former procrastinator myself, it took me years of investigation and numerous trials and errors to gain a clear understanding of the underlying causes of procrastination and the most effective and scientifically supported strategies to permanently conquer the vicious cycle of procrastination.
I would like to share my knowledge with you, for free.
Published December 13, 2022
